When Sissy’s Attack
Written by Joseph Tringali and James Force
Jim and Joe are sitting on a couch watching T.V.
On screen is a man flexing as he receives a Bachelor’s degree on a large graduation stage. Man handing him his diploma gives a sympathetic nod of his head. It cuts to the graduate running like a sissy in a full track suit. The bottom of the screen has the caption “Olympics.” Have the word “Mute” written on the top left of the screen. Suddenly “Mute” is turned off. Joe looks at the t.v.’s remote control sitting untouched on the table at their feet. The t.v. now blares with an abbrassive “This Just In” style of news report music. It is a special investigative report on the program “Dual Story” about blood drives hosted by local donor non profit organizations(Purple Aunc).
“We have shocking footage of the Purple Aunc’s blood drive tonight on Dual Story.”
News report footage with “Dual Story: Are blood drives safe?” A man is sitting on a toilet, using a needle to inject heroin, while having sexual favors done to him (head bobbing up and down on his lap), while barefoot, with his father (make reference to father by asking if anyone has seen his socks and shoes), while shaking someone’s hand (have him congratulated by someone after taking a “nice hit”), then have him give blood (have the man say something along the lines of “You think that was good check out how fucked I get after this”), throughout all of this have him breathing really heavily, or deeply.
Jim, with a snort
“What a sissy.”
“Huh? Oh yeah, total sissy.”
Jim, turning to Joe, concerned
“What’s up buddy, you’ve been out of it all day. Something bothering you?”
“Oh, nothing really.”
“Really Joe? I know something’s up. You’re totally bumming about something.”
“It’s nothing, I just…”
Joe, says this as if letting a weight off of his shoulders
“I saw Lauren today.”
Jim, confused at first
“Lauren?… you mean the one who got away.”
Enter a flashback sequence. Play melancholy music and have slow motion black and white clips. It shows Joe laughing and talking to someone who is not in the shot. Flash to a girl with a pained look on her face (shoulder up shot) Girl (Lauren) asks Joe for a glass of water, he nods and says “One second.” Have him hold up a finger as he says this. He leaves the shot, have camera pan out and you see three or four girls are chained together in a basement. The girl who asked for a glass of water escapes her chains and bolts for the door.
Cut to shot of outside the building Lauren runs through the door and down some steps, Joe comes out about ten second later with a glass of water in his hand and a tear on his cheek. Have him reach out for her longingly. Flashback sequence ends here, resolving into color and regular speed.
Have Lauren run down an alley and turn left, then cut to shot of her starting to run down same alley again. She slows down as she is running and looks around as she is doing it with a confused look. At the end of the alley have her turn left, cut to her running down the same alley a third time. A few steps in she turns around and runs back the other way.
At this point have her run past the porch she just escaped from, Joe is still teary eyed on the porch. The two of them look at each other (she is horrified, he is very confused) She turns and runs the other way, Joe holds out an open hand in a dramatic reaching for her, then closes it and brings it to his chest in a sad way with his head down. He looks up and his face has a single tear running down his cheek.
Camera zooms in on tear till his cheek is all that is in the shot. Camera zooms out and it is now Jim and Joe sitting back in the apartment. Joe still has a tear on his cheek.
“Hey it’s all right man. Let it out. It’ll be okay.”
Joe sniffles back more tears.
Jim still comforting
“Tell ya what. Let’s go get some burgers and eat them in front of The Greenery. That’ll cheer you up.”
“The Greenery… you mean that new vegan restaurant?”
Jim nods head sympathetically.
“That may help.”
The two stand up to leave.
Show them walking down steps where girl ran away, in background have Lauren, the girl who got away, in a back alley looking around confused.
Show a few scenes of car driving, each time it shows car have the two of us in different positions/seats/clothing. Stop on a shot with Joe driving and Jim in the passenger seat. Car comes to a stop at a cross walk.
“You’re kidding me. He really did that?”
“Yeah I know, it’s totally messed up. So I told him he better take it out of my…”
(as Jim is talking show a little kid in a cross walk crossing the street in a toddler’s stumbling run.)
“Thought! (nostalgically) You ever see a little kid running and just wonder…. Who the hell taught him to run like that?”
Show the father of the toddler crossing the street. It is same guy who was in the bathroom in the investigative report at the beginning of the show. Father runs into shot after the child, he is running with same leg sprawling style as the child.
Camera has left Joe and Jim and follows Father and son (Timmy.)
“Timmy, I told you to wait for me when you cross streets. Take my hand, come on we have to get to the doctor.”
Father picks up son
“Up up and away we go.”
Cut to shots of them walking down a small town’s main street past shops. Turn into the fourth door.
Cut to the Father sitting in a doctor’s office by himself. It is not an examining room, but more of a simple consultation room. He is trying to appear calm but keeps looking around anxiously.
Doctor walks into the room carrying a clipboard. He is studying the papers on the clipboard. The Doctor lifts eyes as Father stands up. They shake hands. The Doctor walks around to sit down behind his desk. Over his shoulder is a big poster that says:
“You may be a twit if 1. You drive like an ass. 2. You are easily amused. 3. You are easily cheated out of your pants.”
Make sure this poster is shown in a few of the shots and is easy to read.
“I’m sorry to keep you waiting Mr. Riffschtoffen.”
“No, no it’s, it’s fine.”
Doctor, sigh beforehand as he is about to say something he never wanted to have to say
“We, uhh, we um found out what the problem is.”
“Doc please, I can handle it, just, I just need to know. I can’t live in this ignorance.”
“It’s Nervous diCaffeinous Sissiticity.”
“Goddamnit! Give it to me in english. I can’t handle it.”
“Mr. Riffschtoffen, you’re a sissy.”
Father, realization dawning on him and turning to denial and anger
“No, for the love of god no, say I have cancer, goddamnit say it’s Aids, anything but this. No! God, not this! not this.”
“I’m sorry. I truly am.”
Father, slowly entering acceptance
“The tests are accurate, really reliable?”
“What will happen to me?”
The skit pauses and a large dark red stamp is stamped onto the screen. It reads: Sissys.
Doctor stares straight into screen and addresses the audience, as this has now become an public service educational video.
”There are only a few, debilitating symptoms attributed to those diagnosed with Nervous diCaffeinous Sissiticity. Or as you more commonly know them, Sissies. First a sissie’s legs will atrophy in random muscle bunches throughout the thigh. This causes movement at higher rates of speed difficult and… embarassing. Observe.”
Cut to government footage of a sissy run. It is a middle aged, beer-gutted man chasing a bus that he is not going to catch. His legs look like he is halfway between skipping and jumping jacks.
Cut back to Doctor. In the back ground just off screen you see Mr. Riffschtoffen has dropped to his knees, his back to the camera. His shirt is ripped and hanging off of him as he delivers a soliloquoy (not heard) to the heavens.
“A sissie’s body will tire towards the midle and end of your day. This apathy is caused by a caffeine deficiency in the ethereal plain of the inner chakra of a sissie’s brother in law. The easiest cure is to order an energetically potent drink. The type of drink most commonly used to fight this fatigue is a double latte.”
Cut to government footage of a man yawning looking at a watch which says 12 p.m., he then scratches chin. Camera pans out and you see he is a Customer in line at a coffee shop. He takes a step forward and orders a double latte, the Barista on the other side of the counter gives an empathetic look and puts a hand on the Customer’s shoulder. The Barista gives it a squeeze.
Barista, with sincere sympathy
“I feel your pain.”
Cut back to Doctor in his office. You now notice that just off screen Mr Riffschtoffen is screaming belligerently essentially over-acting his pain, and suddenly he starts flexing.
“The last symptom is possibly the worst. Your brain and nervous system became anxious. Whenever unpleasant or emotional or happy or incriminating, well, really just at many different inappropriate times, your brain will accelerate neural signals. The nervous system gets confused as to how to react to the increased flow of the neurons, so the nervous system tells the muscles to work off the extra caffeine in the body. The muscles in the torso and legs, unaware of what their specific task is supposed to be, end up bunching together tightly in many different formations. This last symptom can be lethal though. If there is more than 8 grams of caffeine in the body the muscles can contract to the point of death in an all together embarassing fashion.”
Cut to footage of a guy at a funeral offfering condolenscences to the bereaved. He is giving sincere condolences, but simultaneously he is posing in different flexing positions, like a body builder.
At this point the doctor turns away from the camera and turns back to the Father.
Father, trying to pull himself back together. He is pulling his ripped shirt closed, but flexing as he does so.
“How could I have gotten this…. this curse?”
“Hard to say. You could have contracted it from past sexual partners, blood transfusions, dirty needled scag parties, off a toilet seat, shaking someone’s hand, walking around barefoot, breathing. Maybe you’re father was a sissy.”
“I don’t remember doing any of that.”
Splice a quick second of the Father doing all of that from the investigative report.
Cut back to the office. The Doctor offering sympathy comes around desk and puts his hand on Mr. Riffschtoffen’s shoulder.
Father, pulling himself together
“I have to tell my son. He needs to know.”
Doctor nods sympathetically.
Doctor and Father walk to waiting room. Son runs to Father in a sissy run. Father breaks down crying
“Come on son. Let’s go for a walk.”
They walk out.
Doctor shaking his head, turns to secretary. Secretary looks back sympathetically.
“What’s my next appointment, Jeanne?”
“You have an appointment with the McTwassy triplets in 30 minutes.”
“Thanks, Jeanne. I think I’m going to go grab a coffee down the street. Do you want anything?”
“No, I’m fine but thank you for offering.”
Doctor walks out of the office and down the street, you see Lauren, the girl who got away, walking behind him at a bit of a distance. Lauren is looking around paranoid.
Doctor walks toward a door, a man is leaving the shop and holds the door for the doctor.
Man, as he says, “problem,” he flexes
Doctor gets into line shaking his head. Steps up to counter, there is a man standing beside the doctor. His back is to the rest of the shop, he looks to be adding sugar to his coffee (Sugar Man.) Cut to side shot of the doctor’s face, so the viewer is able to see a window looking out onto the street. Lauren, the girl who got away, jumps into the shop with fear evident on her face. She quietly takes a seat just off camera next to the Sugar Man, who is mixing sugar into his coffee. Through the window you see a child trip, Jim and Joe walk past him, Jim flexing and Joe laughing. Jim and Joe walk past the shop and out of the shot, Jim still flexing.
Barista (same one as before)
“What can I get ya today, Doc?”
“Hey Jesus (pronounced with spanish accent.) I’ll get a latte.”
Barista starts to make the drink, camera focuses on the Doctor. He is fidgety and interrupts the Barista mixing his drink.
“Wait, make that a double latte.”
Barista nods sympathetically, The Sugar Man who has been mixing sugar into his coffee turns toward Doctor with a disgusted grunt.
Sugar Man, takes a sip of his coffee after spitting his insult.
Doctor hangs his head sadly takes his drink and walks out of the shot.
Camera now goes to a black and white, commercial shot. The Sugar Man holds up his cup of coffee.
“Now this is a real drink. A smooth as sex blend of energy without the bitterness and bite of a menstrating woman.”
Sugar Man flashes a salesman’s grin. A Narrator’s voice speaks over the image
“For a real burst of energy, drink Colombian Cartel Coffee. With 9 grams of caffeine in every cup, it’s nearly lethal.”
Have the Colombian Cartel Coffee logo appear across the screen and a marketing picture with it, maybe a migrant, immigrant, coffee picker snorting lines of crushed coffee beans with a perfect smile. The logo disappears and Sugar Man winks at the camera raises the cup in a toast fashion and takes a sip.
The camera pans out and he starts to twitch from the caffeine overload. His hand jerks and he spills some coffee on the girl sitting next to him, Lauren, the girl who got away. Camera cuts from black and white to color, no longer a commercial.
Sugar Man grabs a bunch of napkins from the condiment bar. He is overly apologetic
Sugar Man, overly apologetic.
“Oh god, I am so sorry. Did a lot get onto you? Oh man, I am such a jerk. I am so sorry.”
“It’s ok. It was accident.”
“It was my fault though, I’m sorry. Wait here let me get you some seltzer water or something.”
Lauren, doesn’t want to attract attention to herself. Trying to end the conversation discretely and soon.
“It’s fine really.”
Sugar Man, getting a bit louder causing a few of the other coffee shop patrons to glance over.
“Wait, wait. I got it. Let me buy you a new pair of pants. Really, I just feel so… so damned awful about this.”
Sugar Man reaches for his wallet. There is nothing in his back pocket. He pats the front of his pants searching for his wallet. He realizes he doesn’t have it.
“Damnit, I didn’t think to bring it down for the commercial shoot today. Now I’m an even bigger jerk. I am so sorry. There has to be something I can do.”
Lauren, looking around nervously as more and more people in the shop turn to stare at the Sugar Man and Lauren.
“Really it’s alright, it’s an old pair of pants it doesn’t matter.”
“No, really, let me. Wait.”
Sugar Man takes a look at both of their waist sizes.
“We can switch pants. We’re about the same size. At worst, it’d bunch up around the knees.”
Lauren, have more people turn to look at this exchange, Lauren doesn’t even notice she is so blind-sided.
Sugar Man, making a scene, he is pretty loud by this point.
“Seriously, we’ll switch pants. Trust me, I’ve done it before. I really just feel so bad about this. Please, let me make it up to you. Make it right.”
Lauren, looking around nervously trying not to attract attention
“No, it’s fine, really it’s fine. Just forget about it. It’s not that bad. I don’t think…..”
Sugar Man, interrupting Lauren angrily.
“Just shut up bitch and give me your damn pants.”
Lauren’s mouth drops. Everyone is now starting to turn to look at her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately. This would just make me feel a thousand times better. Please let me do this for you.”
Lauren realizes the whole cafe has hushed and murmuring. The other customers are glancing over their shoulders at Sugar Man and Lauren, some are just staring in confusion. Maybe have Jim and Joe walk past the big window as if they were going to go in for a drink.
“Fine fine. Whatever. Just shut up. Shut up.”
Camera angle cuts so you can only see Lauren, as she quickly kicks her pants off. Sugar Man is not in the shot. Lauren is staring intently at Jim and Joe in the window. Not paying attention to the Sugar Man. She holds out the pants for him to grab.
Sugar Man grabs the pants and runs to the door. His pants aren’t even unbuttoned.
“Fucking A! Not again!”
Sugar Man, before he gets out of the shop.
Camera follows Sugar Man. He runs by a Cop who throws down a clipboard and pursues Sugar Man on foot. Have a chase scene through many different settings including wilderness. Have them jump over the camera. Cop manages to corner the Sugar Man in a dead end alley. (Side note, in every episode of the Loser Club, the cops are dressed as 19th century Constables, complete with moustache.)
“Hands against the wall, dirtbag. Time for some justice.”
Sugar Man drops the pants as he complies with the Cop’s demands.
Sugar Man, hands on wall back to the camera.
“I’m sure this isn’t necessary. You must have me mistaken with someone else.”
Sugar Man dramatically kicks the pants on the ground towards the Cop.
The Cop bends over to examine the pants. He runs a finger across the Colombian Cartel Coffee stain and licks his finger. Twitches a little from the caffeine.
Cop, taking the bribe
“Real Colombian Cartel Coffee… yeah. My mistake, Sir, I think everyone in this fair city has their pants on today.”
Slam! An animated cell door slams across the screen.
“Police bribes! Happening all across America! Tonight on Dual Story. We interviewed some willing enforcers of the law after coaxing them into our studios using an intricate Hansel and Grettel candy trail. Here is there shocking commentary.”
Cut to shot of two guys on a sofa in a nondescript setting being interviewed by an overly sympathetic reporter.
“Thank you for agreeing to this interview Officer Brinks and Officer Honkeyton. (both officers nod as their names are said.) I want to start with the obvious question. Why? Why are these bribes taking over our law enforcement agencies?”
“Well, I mean put yourselves in our shoes.”
“I mean before, in the olden days you would be offered drugs and money and small phillipino sex slaves. All run of the mill stuff you could buy on almost every street corner in the U.S. of A. I mean why take something so mundane and run of the mill. Why get a hummer from a crack dealin hooker, when your wife at home loves it up the ass, if you get my analogy… ummm hypothetical… analogy.”
“Absolutely. why take the hummer?”
“I mean to free these dirtbags who are out robbing the old and helpless is ridiculous. I mean we put our lives on the line everyday and they think a hundred bucks is a going to change that. They haven’t even put any thought into the bribe. Who runs to the christmas tree on christmas morning hoping their stockings are fulll of coal huh? Probably some damned arsonist who thinks an eighth of schwagg will make me help fan the flames so as to catch Robbie’s 5th street bakery on fire cause the dumpster has the fryalator oil in it.”
“Full of it.”
“Nowadays though, it is different.”
“How? How is it different?”
“Well the scumheads have started to think about the needs of the officer. I mean if you are chasing after someone for a long time it helps slim the figure and work the muscles. No one really appreciates this fact, but when one of these curmudgeons offers a wonderful coconut bra with matching panties made from the crotch hair of an endangered silverback back from the hear of the congo. Well it shows they care. They’re saying ‘Hey, nice abs, I wish I had your quads, and dear me you must have had a glutumus implant to get such a heavenly maximus.”
“I mean for god’s sake on top of that, it was a binational bribe. The thought and effort placed into it…. it even matched the koala highheels the pedophile gave me…To have coffee offered to you after a tiring chase, even if it’s stained on clothing…they care… I’m only a man…. I bleed too.”
“It’s alright. Let it out. Is there anything you would like to say to the American people?”
“You’ll never understand it… you damned hypocrites, ya damned ceasar’s, they care about me now….”
Cut shot back to newsroom, Anchorman and reporter sitting facing each other, a bit too close to each other, maybe have them bump knees at random points.
“Tragic. To think police officer’s emotions are played with so fickily. To be put to the test everyday.”
“It is truly disgusting to think that our hardworking honest law enforcers are damn near forced to take these bribes out of kindness. As many as two police officers have come forward to warn the public of the danger they face. But the opinion of this reporter is that many more police officers have not come forward.”
Anchorman, nodding for a few extra seconds too long.
“Now, I was told we have more footage to show of this shocking criminal behavior of bribing.”
Cut to footage of a police raid happening at night. Cops are busting into a house where a dead body is lying in a pool of blood and a man is standing over him with a gun in hand. As cops bust in, have him flex. The door closes and you hear people shouting at each other, then it gets quiet.
“Maybe we can handle this like adults.”
Door opens up and cops walk out wearing panties over their heads, waving goodbye to the gunman, all three are laughing. Gunman shoots into the air and everyone laughs like it is an old joke. Cut to next footage.
Cut to a bunch of cops gathered around a door. The camera pans across a few of them until it falls on one cop sympatheticaly talking to a girl. It is Officer Honkeyton talking to Lauren, the girl who got away.
“This is it. This is where those bastards live.”
“You better get out of here, Lauren.”
Lauren nods to Honkeyton. Honkeyton nods to Lauren. Lauren nods back to Honkeyton but also gives a nod to Brinks. Brinks nods back to Lauren. Lauren gives a nod back acknowledging his nod. Then nods to herself and runs out of the shot. Honkeyton gives a nod to Officer Brinks, then the two bust through the door.
Jim’s voice, He is off screen.
“So I told him he’d better take it out of my…”
Cops run into the room Joe and Jim are sitting on couch talking. Jim is flexing. Joe is drinking a cup of coffee. Guns trained on Jim and Joe.
Jim and Joe look at each other, then at the cops. Joe takes the coffee in his hand and tips the cup so it pours onto his pants. He gives a salesman’s grin as he does so, hold the shot for five seconds of coffee pouring on his pants.
Officer Honkeyton, raises an eyebrow.
“Is that real colombian caffeine?”
“All nine grams of it.”
Cut to Joe and Jim waving goodbye to them from the front door. Joe is not wearing pants.
Officer Brinks, casually as they are walking away.
“Sorry about that, wrong address and all, you boys have a good night.”
Joe and Jim close the door to the apartment and head back to the t.v. room. They talk as they are walking so that the conversation ends just as they sit down and flip on the t.v.
“Well what do ya wanna do?”
“Want to see if the olympics are on?”
“Shit yeah. I love watching those sissie’s compete.”
They flip on t.v. Return to same shot as the show started out on. Then do the over the shoulder to show the t.v.
Full screen the t.v. image.
Roll credits over this
The Sissy Marathon. A bunch of guys running normally, then make commentary about one sprinting ahead and have him do sissy run.
100 meter event where all the sissie’s are running the sissy run.
Flexing competition, no one is flexing cause it is now the appropriate time to flex. Have judges say the event is over and they all start cursing aloud and flexing.
At end of credits have it cut back to jim and joe. Joe going to bed then getting up and walking down to the basement where the girls are locked up and asleep, the light is on, he sits there with a nostalgic/remembering smile and a tear in his eye then shuts off the light, and the show ends.