The G-Man Cometh

Screen is all black.  A white disclaimer takes up the screen.

Disclaimer

“Due to a rising unpopularity with adults, the Loser Club has been revamped into a children’s show.”

Cut to shot of Jim and Joe on a stage in front of a group of little kids.

Jim, Enthusiastic

“Hey Kids!  Welcome to the Loser Club Kids Show.  We’re gonna have such a swell time today.  Our good friend, the G-man, is going to show us how to spread the love.”

Joe, Grumpy, under his breath

“He’ll spread something.”

Jim, Trying to ignore Joe’s attitude

“Constable Chopsky and Constable Bronson are going to stop by and teach us about friendship.  And our good friend Jeremy is going to help us sing a happy song for you.”

Joe, Still grumpy

“That song isn’t happy at all.”

Jim

“Come on dude.”

Joe

“Ok, ok.”

Jim

“Also we’ll learn how to say goodbye to a good friend.”

Joe

“And as always kids, try and find the three secrets of life we reveal each episode.”

Jim

“It’s going to be a great show for you today, kids.”

Joe

“I don’t think we should do a kids show.”

Jim

“Come on, we agreed it’s for the best.”

Joe

“I still-“

Jim

“How else are we going to earn enough money to call off the Jersey Hit?”

Joe

“Fine, fine.”

Jim

“Okay.  Let’s start today off with a song about respecting your parents.”

Jim picks up a guitar and Joe picks up a congo drum.

As the song is played the camera pans from Jim and Joe to a little girl in the audience with pigtails.  A memory bubble starts above her head as she remembers the events they sing.  The memory bubble will grow until it takes up the screen.  At this point the song will have stopped.

Jim, Singing

“Now you hear the knocks on the wall, and wonder if they’re okay.

Trust me they’re just fine and they’d like it better if you went away.

They put the cowboy hat on the handle to tell you not to stay.

No scary dream’s worth interrupting this one minute soiree.

See mommies and daddies love each other sometimes, and they consummate it.

Maybe get a little love in the eye.

They’ve had years of practicing for this five minute take…”

Through out this song, the little girl with pigtails, in her memory bubble, skipped down a hall.  She reaches a door with a cowboy hat on it.  She gives a puzzled look and hears thumps and groans.

Little Girl

“Oh no.”

Little girl opens the door.  There is a sophisticated mother holding the front of her husband’s shirt.  The mother is punching the husband in the face.  Song ends here.

Mother

“You make me do this.”

Mother and Father notice little girl has walked in.  They break free of each other.  The father and mother trying to hide behind objects as if they were naked, but they are fully clothed.

Father

“Get out of here.  Get out of here.”

Mother

“You didn’t see anything.  We were playing.”

Little girl

“But, but, I saw you”

MotherSternly

“Jill, you just walk yourself out of this room.  We’ll talk about this at breakfast.”

Little Girl

“Yes, momma.”

Camera cuts to a shot of the family sitting around a table with breakfast foods.  There is a mother, a father, the little girl and a little boy.

Mother

“Jill, you know the rules of the house.”

Father

“Honey, when the hat’s on the door, you leave it closed.  House rules.”

Little boyNods his head picks his nose

“Rule thirty-two.”

Mother

“That’s right, honey, thirty two.  I’m sorry but your father and I are going to have to punish you.”

Mother and Father nod at each other.

Father

“This hurts us more than it hurts you.”

An upbeat happy song starts to play.  Slow motion begins.  Mother calmly withdraws two hand guns from underneath the table.  The rest of the family pulls two guns and kick away from the table.  Mother starts shooting at the little girl.  Little girl rolls out of the room.  Mother ducks into the next room. Father spins around a corner shooting calmly. Son dives across a room shooting. Father steps around a corner with guns blazing.  Closeup of his face.  He looks directly into the camera.

Father (life lesson number 1)

“Santa Claus isn’t real.”

Little girl runs down a hallway shooting ahead of her at father.  Mother turns a corner behind her, lands on one knee and starts shooting, using knee as an arm rest.  Little boy Jump kicks into Mother knocking her away and begins shooting at where she was. Mother rolls away from gun fire and ends up in front of a doorway with a window.  She calmly aims the gun at the little girl who is in front of her with her back to the mother. In the window above the mother you see a silhouette of someone.  The door gets kicked in before the mother can pull the trigger on the little girl.  A man rolls into the room.  You can’t see his face or front.  The camera is behind him.  He is a large man wearing a leather jacket.  On the back of the jacket you can read “G-man.” The G-man withdraws two guns from his jacket.  He is wearing a pair of dark sunglasses. Mother on the ground at his feet.

Mother

“Oh Shit!  Ghonosyphaherpolis!”

(pronounced like a mix of the three std’s the G-man represents.)

When his name is said it cuts to clips of G-man being cool.  Think seventies cop show.

Clip 1:

G-man striding down a street with funk in his step.

Clip 2:

G-man jumps around corner with a pistol shooting like a badass.

Clip 3

G-man surrounded by some of his homies.  They all look pretty sick.  One of them spits up a discolored phlegm.  G-man in the middle of them nodding.  One is continuously itching himself.

Camera cuts back to the G-man in the house with the family holding his two pistols.

G-man

“Ya’ll a family of jive cats.”

G-man kisses gun on left then gun on right.  Closeup of his eye giving a quick squint.  Gun fight picks up.

The entire family is shooting at G-man, he is spinning away from the bullets shooting back.

G-man

“Ya’ll need to dig on ya’ll selves.”

He shoots guns out of the family members hands, one by one.  They are in the kitchen at this point of the gun fight. G-man shoots father’s knee making him sit at the head of the table. G-man shoots mother’s shoulder knocking her back into a seat at the table. G-man grabs little boy.  G-man knees him in the stomach knocking him back and into a chair at the table. Little girl sneaking towards a gun on the ground.  G-man spins and shoots the gun away.  He aims at the little girl.

G-man to little girl.

“You need to be respectin’ your momma’s privacy.”

Little girl sit down at the table facing the G-man.

Little Girl

“I don’t want to.  They’re always in there with the cowboy hat on the doorknob.  They missed my school play last week because of that dang hat.  I had the lead.”

G-Man

“You got shit.  And I don’t think you heard me, bitch.”

Family gasps.  Little girl looks pissed.

Little Girl

“You can’t make me love my fucking parents, whore!”

G-man

“Tough words from a little slut.”

Little Girl

“You wish.  You can’t force me to do anything.”

G-man removes his sunglasses.

Father

“Shit!  Don’t say that to Ghona… syph..

(Quick beat)

Don’t say that to the G-man”

Camera closeup of father’s eyes wide with fear.  Closeup of g-man’s eyes staring calmly and relaxed.  G-man’s eyes quickly squint.

Father

“Fuck!”

Family runs out of room in fear, except for the little girl.  Her and G-man are in a staring contest.

G-man

“Force you.  Force you.  That sounds like a good idea.”

G-man sees a radio on the counter.  He turns it on.  It is playing a funky seventies song, such as “Superstitious” by Stevie Wonder.

G-man

“I love this song.”

G-man starts dancing to the song and picks up a butter knife as he does it.  He dances closer and closer to the little girl.  The camera pans to the side so both the little girl in the chair and the g-man are no longer in the shot.  The music plays a little louder, homage to Reservoir Dogs.

The camera pans a little further to the side and you see Joe and Jim staring in the direction of the G-man and the little girl.  They are horrified.

Joe

“Shit!  We’re fucking it up.”

Jim

“No dude, nothing’s fucked yet.”

Joe

“What the fuck are you talking about!  Did you see what just happened?!  How is that anything but fucked!  The kids show was a bad idea!”

Jim

“No, it’s still cool.”

Joe

“We have to do something to save the show.  We can fix it.”

Jim

“How?”

Joe

“The happy song.”

Jim

“We need Jeremy for that.”

Joe

“So let’s go get him.”

Jim and Joe going running to find him.

Cut to shot of a hallway where Jim, Joe and Random third person run around a corner.  You see Jeremy at the end of the hallway on the phone.

Jeremyto the phone

“They put a hit on my head?  Fuck fuck fuck fuck.  Those fucking Jersey bastards.”

Jim, Joe, and random third person reach him.

Joe

“You’ve gotta sing the happy song to save the show.”

Jim

“It’s imperative the happy song be played for the exaltance of this episode.”

Random third guy looks directly at camera as if addressing the audience.

Random third guy (life lesson number 2)

“You’re father isn’t supposed to touch you there.”

Random third guy calmly strolls away.

Jeremy

“What the fuck?”

Jim

“You gotta sing the song.”

Jeremy

“I can’t man.  I just got some bad news, and I’m not really good for singing.”

Joe

“Dude you have to.  The fate of the kids show rests on your shoulders.”

Jeremy

“I really can’t.  You don’t under-“

Jim, shouting angrily

“Sing the fucking happy song, before I shove my happy size eleven up your happy anus!”

Jeremy

“Ok, ok.  Chill.”

Jim, Joe, and Jeremy walk onto a stage in front of a group of kids.  Jim Picks up the guitar.  Joe picks up a congo drum.  Jeremy pulls a mic stand with mic from behind him.  They play the happy song as a singalong for the kids.  The words are written on the bottom of the screen.  A bouncing ball jumps from word to word.

Lyrics

“It’s a happy happy world
with its happy happy boys
and the happy happy girls
with their happy happy toys

My happy happy eyes
and my happy happy face
just got happy sprayed
with a happy load of mace

Some guy just stabbed me in the back
and gouged out both my eyes
I’m so fuckin’ happy now
that i can fuckin’ cry

Well the world has fucked me over
and i lost my fuckin’ job
A hit was just put on me
by the Jersey fuckin’ mob

My girlfriend stole all of my things
and left me there for dead
after shooting me two times
in the fuckin’ fuckin’ head

(Spoken)
Everyone is happy…you should be happy too
You say that I’m not happy? Oh I see, FUCK YOU!

I have nothing left to live for
and i wanna fuckin’ die
I may say that I’m happy
But I fuckin’ fuckin’ lie

FUCKIN’ FUCKIN’ FUCKIN’ FUCKIN’
FUCKIN’ FUCKIN’ FUCK
FUCKIN’ FUCKIN’ FUCKIN’ FUCKIN’
FUCKIN’ FUCKIN’ FUCK”

At the end of the song the G-man busts through the door.

G-man

“Ya’ll funky monks need to step away from the jive words in front of the tiny sponges.”

Jim and Joe calmly put their instruments down.  They both pick up samurai swords from the ground at their feet.  Jeremy withdraws a sword from the mic stand.  The G-man withdraws his two guns.

Jim

“We’ll sing whatever we want.”

Jeremy

“So they sent you to whack me.”

Joe turns stares directly into the camera.

Joe (life lesson number 3)

“You’re the result of a broken condom.”

G-man

“Tiny sponges shouldn’t be tuned into the fuck frequency.”

G-man kisses his right gun then his left gun. Joe and Jim charge the g-man with swords, knocking kids over as they run through them.  G-man gives a woop of excitement.  Kids get excited by the commotion and start running in terror.  The kids are tripping into the combatants involved.  G-man shoots taking Jeremy in the leg.  Jeremy falls.

G-man shoots both pistols at Joe who deftly avoids them.

G-man shoots one pistol at Jim.  Jim ducks and rolls.  Knocks G-man’s gun hand with his foot.  The gun goes off and takes g-man in the foot.

G-man

“Damn.”

Joe catches g-man’s other gun with his sword knocking the g-man’s arm down.  The gun goes off and takes Jim in the arm.

Jim falls back and drops his sword.

Jim

“Aww man.”

G-man drops his guns and pulls out a grenade.  Kids freak out at the sight of this.

Jim and Joe

“Shit!”

Jim and Joe run away with the fleeing kids.

Jim, while running away

“You’ll pay for this!  No one shoots me.  No one!”

G-man grabs one of his guns.  He aims it at the fleeing Joe and Jim.  Jeremy steps in front of him with his sword.

Jeremy

“No one puts a hit on my head.”

Jim and Joe getting out of the room.  You hear the slashing of steel and a series of gunshots.  Jim and Joe pause and turn around as if to go back.

Joe

“We can’t do anything for him now.”

Jim

“Ghonosyphaherpolis will pay dearly for this after a word from our corporate sponsor.

(Beat)

Bag.”

A little boy runs past them frantically.  Camera runs alongside the little boy.  Joe and Jim fall out of the camera shot.  Little boy continues to run.  You hear an announcer’s voice over this picture of the little boy running with wide eye fear.

Announcer

“Hey there kids.  Ever wish you could be an astronaut to fly away from trouble.  Or a boxer to fight away the pain of being a kid?”

Little boy running.  He looks at camera as he runs and nods.

Announcer

“Well, now you can.  From the makers of Box, comes.

(Beat)

Bag.”

Little boy stops running immediately.

Little boy

“Wow!”

An announcer steps into the shot next to the little boy.  He hands the kid a generic clear plastic bag.

Announcer

“That’s right.  Bag allows you to explore the deepest reaches of your imagination.  You could be an astronaut.”

Show the little boy put the bag over his head.

Little boy, with head in the bag

“This is eagle’s wing to dallas.  The world looks so peaceful up here.  Over.”

Little boy smiling with the bag over his head starts hopping around the room behind the announcer.

Little boy

“Wee.  I’m on the moon.”

Announcer

“That’s right, bag also lets you

(In the background the kid collapses from lack of air)

experience the fun of being a famous boxer.”

Show two kids with bags on their hands.  The bags are held on by rubber bands.  They are happily boxing each other.  They are getting extremely beat up as teeth and blood go flying with punches.

One child smiles camera does a close up of him.  The child is missing teeth has a black eye, a bloody nose, and generally look really hurt, but smiling.

Child

“It feels like a cloud tickling me.  He he.

A fist with a bag on it flies into the screen and punches the child’s face, knocking him out of the shot.

Cut back to Announcer

Announcer

“That’s right.  Bag can do all this, and so much more.  Use your imagination and it could be anything.  A butterfly, a reusable prophylactic, maybe even your best friend.”

Cut to a shot of a little girl hugging a bag against her.

Little girl

“I lov-“

A breaking news story interrupts the commercial.

Cut to shot of a reporter behind a news desk.

Reporter

“He has been seen.  Ghonosyphaherpolis has been seen running rampant through suburbia wreaking havoc on troubled families.  If people would heed our advice and simply lock their doors, there is little chance he would be able to get into your home.  Constables Chopsky and Bronson have been in pursuit of the G-man for the past hour following an emergency call from local child, Jill.  We have exclusive footage taken by a local tourist of the G-man terrorizing our streets.”

Zoom in on a t.v. on the wall until it takes up the entire screen.

The exclusive footage is zoomed in on a tree, nothing but a tree, nothing else in the shot.

Voice of a Midwestern Tourist over this shot.

“Well, look at that.  Never thought I’d see one of those in my life.”

G-man walks onto shot of the tree.

Voice of Midwestern tourist

“Hey, get out of the way, you’re ruining my shot.”

G-man stops and looks at the camera.  Quickly pulls a gun and shoots.

The camera falls to the ground.  You see G-man’s feet as he funky walks away.

Voice of Tourist

“Oh, my.  Barbara.”

Female Voice

“Yes, Thomas.”

Voice of tourist

“Can you take the camera?  I’m in a considerable amount of pain at this moment.”

Female Voice

“Oh really Thomas you make the biggest deal of everything.”

Voice of tourist

“Is that my intestine?”

Female Voice

“Honestly, it’s just a spleen.”

The camera has been filming the same tree, albeit from the ground.  By the end of the couple’s exchange, a pool of red is seeping into the shot.

Cut to shot of G-man walking away from the couple.  He walks down a few streets, fuming.  He walks into an apartment building.

Cut to a shot of Jim and Joe sitting in their apartment together.

Jim (to Joe)

“I don’t think it’s that bad.  I mean-“

G-man enters cutting Jim off in midsentence.

Joe (to Jim)

“You said you locked the door.”

G-man

“Ya’ll cats bout to taste the jivy jive of steel in your teeth.”

Jim pulls out a gun.  Joe grabs a sword.  G-man pulls out his two guns.

Jim (to Joe with sincerity)

“You’re my best friend.”

Joe nods.

Joe

“Let’s do this.”

Two constables, Chopsky and Bronson, run into the room behind G-man.  They point guns at him.

Constable Chopsky

“No more.  This hub bub stops right here.”

G-man calmly looks back at them.

Constable Bronson

“You’re my best friend, Chops.”

Jim

“We already said that.”

Constable Bronson

“Sorry.

(Beat)

You’re my only love, Chops.”

Constable Chopsky

“Didn’t want to hear that, Bronson.”

G-man is near a light switch and knocks the lights off.  Gun fight ensues in the dark.  The flash of the guns going off shows how the gun fight is ensuing.

Lights come back on.  Joe is by the light switch.  G-man is on the ground with a bullet wound in his chest, and half of his left arm cut off, dying.  Constables are huddled on the floor terrified and hugging each other.  Jim is standing beside G-man with his gun at his side.

G-man

“All I ever wanted to do was spread the love.”

Joe

“Love is dead.”

G-man sags back, still alive, but giving up on living.

Constable Bronson

“Is it…  Is it over?”

Joe

“It is.

(Beat)

This kid’s show is over.”

The camera pans out to show a studio full of kids watching the action that had just unfolded.  The g-man is still lying on the ground barely alive holding his severed left arm in this right hand.

Jim looks directly at children.

Jim

“Well, that’s our show for the day kids.  Hope you learned something new today, and remember.  Everyone deserves plenty of hugs.”

Everyone on stage, two cops, Jim, Joe, and G-man wave goodbye to kids.  G-man uses the arm that was cut off to wave goodbye to the kids.

Joe

“Ya know, I actually think we did a good job.”

Jim nonchalantly walks over to the g-man.

Jim

“Totally.  I mean there was no sex to offend anybody.  The kids looked entertained.”

Joe

“I guess it was a good idea after all.”

Jim places his foot on G-man’s chest.  Jim aims the gun at the g-man’s head.  Jim Looks over at Joe.

Jim

“Overall, I’d say we did pretty well.”

Jim pulls the trigger and the screen goes black with the sound of the gun shot.

The screen stays black for a second then a picture of the G-man takes up the screen.  There is an inscription written below the picture.

Inscription reads

“This episode is dedicated in loving memory to the g-man.  Spread the love, jive monk.”

The picture fades into slow motion shots of the g-man when he was alive.  Show G-man and the little girl, Jill, waving at the camera.  One of Jill’s pigtails is missing, as if it has been cut off.  It has a bandage over it.  The two wave for a little bit, then give a big hug.

Cut to a shot of Joe, Jim and G-man talking to a hitman who looks straight out of the Al Capone days.  The hitman adjusts his tie.  Joe hands over a bag with the $$$ symbol on the side.  The hitman takes it and gives them a thumbs up.  Joe, Jim, and G-man all overly relieved giving each other high fives.

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